Three Questions Surrogate Mothers Are Tired of Being Asked

Surrogacy is a remarkable gift to a couple unable to grow their family without the help of third-party reproduction. The decision to become a surrogate mother is not one that women take lightly. Those accepted into surrogacy programs are screened to ensure that they fully understand their role. They are also given an opportunity to outline their expectations for the surrogacy process – from the moment they are matched to prospective parents through childbirth.

Supportive family members and friends are a core part of the surrogacy process. Unfortunately, even well-meaning individuals can ask insensitive, even rude questions from time to time. These questions stem from a lack of education about third party reproduction, and surrogates often take up the mantle in a teaching role to explain their decision and how the process will work. This being said, there are still unwanted questions surrogates can face, and are frankly tired of hearing. Surrogacy America understands this frustration and has prepared a guide on how such questions can be hurtful, even if your intention was to simply ask a question.

1. “Are you getting paid a lot? How much?”
Before you ask a surrogate about compensation, consider if you would ask someone about payment in other types of settings. Not every surrogate will feel comfortable discussing her compensation, and surrogate compensation can vary from state to state, agency to agency, and even from surrogate to surrogate. The specifics of financial gain from surrogacy is up to each surrogate to disclose if she chooses to do so.

It is also important to mention that assuming compensation is the only reason a woman would choose to become a surrogate is entirely unfair and untrue. This type of decision is complex and cannot be summarized in a number.

2. “Won’t it hurt to give up a baby?”
This may be the most painful question surrogate mothers face as it not only undermines their decision to help a couple in need, but also places judgement on behalf of the surrogate. The undercurrent of such a question is: How can you give up your baby?

Gestational surrogacy occurs when the surrogate does not share a biological connection to the child she carries to term, so the child is not her biological baby. Surrogates are carefully screened to ensure that their role is clear and they accept that they are carrying someone else’s child to help build someone else’s family.

3. “Will you ever see the baby again?”
The relationship a surrogate mother has with the child she carried and delivered is discussed prior to embryo implantation during the surrogacy agreement. All parties must make their expectations known before an agreement is signed. Sometimes, couples and their surrogate agree to part ways after the baby is born. Sometimes, the relationships exists through shared photos and other types of correspondence. Some surrogates and prospective parents agree to remain friendly for in-person visitation. Any decision a surrogate makes should be respected.

Related Topics: Surrogate Compensation, Surrogate support, Surrogate screening